


The Pull and the Push

by gothclark



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-09
Updated: 2010-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-13 14:36:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/138438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes temptation is just too great.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pull and the Push

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the deancastiel AU/Fusion challenge. _Religion Plays a Role Prompt 58. AU: Castiel as the priest losing his faith, and Dean the friend who finally causes him to fall into temptation._ I would like to thank my beta readers danceswithgary and Alee who tried to help make this story better. And I would also like to thank lola for her advice. This didn't turn out the way I had hoped but here it is anyway. Remaining errors are mine.

  


The polite knock on the office door startled Father Castiel Novak out of his reverie. He stared down at the desk as Father Gregory entered and closed the door behind him. Father Castiel stood and smiled as he met the other man half way across the room.

"The family should be here shortly," Father Gregory said. He stood motionless, watching Father Castiel. "I was hoping you could do me a favor and hear confessions before the baptism."

"Of course," Father Castiel said, taking his rosary in hand, as Father Gregory frowned and placed a hand on Father Castiel's shoulder.

"I can see that something is troubling you," Father Gregory said as he rubbed the tense muscle beneath his hand.

"It's nothing," Father Castiel said. "I didn't get much sleep last night." That was true. He hadn't had a decent night's sleep since that night, terrified that he would get another call, at the same time regretting that it would never happen again. It had been weeks, and he'd never returned to that place, too afraid he'd be tempted once more. Too afraid the stranger would be waiting.

* * *

Father Castiel's footfalls echoed through the church as he walked to the confessional booth. He noted that there were already a few people kneeling in the pews, waiting for his arrival. What would they confess today? Would any of their sins be as grave as his sins? He felt a wave of nausea build and squashed it as he entered the confessional alcove. Sitting, he waited for the first parishioner to enter. All other thoughts forced from his mind, he played his part, mouthing the expected words but barely paying attention as they confessed to lies, theft, and adultery.

After a long pause, when he thought that no one else would enter the booth that session, Father Castiel began to stand and exit. He settled back into his seat when the door on the other side opened and closed. For a few moments, Father Castiel heard nothing but the newest supplicant's breathing through the screen.

Finally, a masculine voice began. "Bless me father, for I have sinned," he paused and then chuckled. "...a lot."

Father Castiel straightened in his seat and turned to peer through the thick mesh that separated him from the man on the other side.

"It's been awhile since my last confession."

Father Castiel's heart sped up as he recognized the voice, not believing it could be him.

There was another pause while Father Castiel waited patiently for the confession.

"Don't be afraid to speak, my son," Father Castiel urged, when it didn't seem as though he would say more.

"I lied," the dark voice finally said. "I hurt some people. I yelled at my brother and disobeyed my mom and dad." There was a pause, and Father Castiel felt heat build under his collar. "And probably the worst sin of all was that I had sex before marriage and it was with a man."

Father Castiel went numb. He rushed through the words meant to absolve, barely hearing them as he stared at his hands. There was no doubt in his mind that the man on the other side was Dean. He knew that voice too well, and his mind frantically searched for a solution if Dean recognized his confessor's voice. His legs felt weak and he clutched at the beads of his rosary as the door of the other booth opened and closed, praying that there were no more confessions. When no one else entered, Father Castiel stood on shaky legs and slipped from his booth. He rushed toward the vestry door and stopped when he realized that the church was not yet empty of the people gathered for the baptism.

Father Castiel watched as Father Gregory spoke to the parents, John and Mary Winchester, who had attended service at the church for years. Father Castiel turned to leave, but stopped when he heard tapping. When he looked back, he froze at the sight of the Winchester's oldest son sitting in one of the pews, his fingers drumming against the wood. It had been a few years since he'd seen him, in the church with the rest of the family but now he realized that Dean wasn't a stranger after all. Father Castiel just hadn't recognized him when they'd met a few weeks before.

Father Castiel turned and rushed to the private area of the church, feeling numb as he stopped by the door of the office and leaned against the wall.

"You keep rushing away."

Father Castiel turned and came face to face with Dean. In the harsh light of day dressed in a dark suit with a blue striped tie, Dean looked much younger than Father Castiel remembered. Trembling, Father Castiel watched as Dean approached, to stop in front of him.

"I...I have other duties," Father Castiel stammered, feeling foolish that it was all he could say given the situation.

Dean stared at him in silence, and Father Castiel looked away, unable to meet his gaze.

"We're here to have my baby brother Adam baptized," Dean finally said after a long silence.

"Congratulations," Father Castiel said, unsure what to do or say next. He wanted to rush away, but he was rooted to the spot, transfixed by Dean's eyes. His own gaze kept focusing on Dean's mouth as he spoke.

"I better get back to my family," Dean said motioning with one hand behind him. He turned to leave then leaned in close with his mouth to Father Castiel's ear. "I knew who you were," he whispered. Dean reached up and brushed his fingers across the top of Father Castiel's collar.

Father Castiel drew back, staring at Dean with wide eyes. Dean smirked as his gaze trailed down Father Castiel to focus once again on his collar.

"I won't tell," Dean added with a wink, and then he turned and walked away.

Father Castiel watched him leave without saying a word. His heart pounded in his chest as he rushed to open the office door and then slammed it shut behind him. He fell into the leather chair, sitting in the darkness mortified that he was hard from just the sound of Dean's voice. The clock in the room seemed to tick too loud, and Father Castiel covered his ears then leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He clasped his hands together, and prayed for forgiveness.

His mind swirled with the memories of that night.

* * *

He shouldn't have come here. In the darkness, this all seemed so much simpler. Without the harsh light of reality, he could lie to himself, but he'd reached the point where even the darkness couldn't hide the truth.

Castiel Novak ordered another drink, his second of the night. He sat at the bar, his attention focused on the glass before him. He tugged at his plain white shirt, loosening the top button. He felt uncomfortable, and out of place. Someone bumped his arm, and Castiel apologized. The man barely acknowledged Castiel as he scooped up his own drink and walked away.

Castiel took his drink and moved to a darker corner of the club. A few months ago, Castiel had discovered the place, tucked away in a dark alley. He'd done a search on line and was surprised at how many places he'd found. He'd chosen this particular bar, out of all the others, because it was on the other side of town from his church. Despite that, he still felt panic course through him at the prospect that someone could recognize him. At the same time, that very notion also sent a thrill up his spine. Bright lights and loud music blared all around him, and he felt the pull as he watched the men gyrate on the dance floor.

Tired of just standing at the edge, he debated saying yes to the first proposition. He felt fear build inside him at that thought and gulped the rest of his drink, setting the empty glass down to slip his trench coat on. With only one arm in the coat, a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He turned to find dark eyes staring at him. The man was a few inches taller than Castiel, with short, dirty blond hair and a full mouth that drew Castiel's gaze. He watched, entranced as the man licked his lips before speaking.

"I've been watching you," the man whispered into his ear. He'd leaned close with his hand still on Castiel's shoulder. Soft, moist lips brushed against the shell of Castiel's ear, sending a shiver through his body.

"I'm actually about to leave," Castiel said, and then was unsure if the man had heard his words, because he immediately pulled him in close and slipped his hand under Castiel's jacket as if they were intimate and had done this many times before.

"That's too bad," the man said, taking a drink from his beer. His lips were wet and so close, and Castiel watched as the man spoke in a lazy drawl, hypnotized by the lush fullness of his mouth. A hand came up and cupped Castiel's neck, pulling him in closer until that soft, warm mouth was on his ear again. "I was hoping we could...talk."

Castiel felt his cock jump in his pants at the suggestive way the last word rolled off the stranger's tongue. He needed to be out of this place, now. He willed himself to walk away, but his body rebelled against his command and, instead, he found himself turning his head to catch those beautiful lips with his own mouth. Everything was so wrong, but it felt so right.

The kiss was awkward at first, because of the way they were standing, Castiel half-facing the man with his shoulder pressed against the man's chest. Castiel turned so they were chest to chest and arms wrapped around him, holding him tight and close enough to feel heat. Castiel placed a hand at the small of the man's back, savored the feel of denim against his fingers as they moved over the sweaty t-shirt and his pinky slipped under the man's jeans.

"This is so much better," the man muttered against Castiel's mouth, grinding against him.

Castiel's heart jumped at the hardness pressed against his hip. He pushed the man away too abruptly, heat building in his face, acutely award of all the people around them. His vision swam with bright lights and a sea of people that never seemed to end. Castiel shouldered his way through them, his mind racing with fear, and loathing as he rushed to the exit.

Suddenly, Castiel stopped and took a deep breath, turning to see that the man had followed close behind. He stood, watching Castiel, one hand tucked into his jean pocket and the other holding the beer he drank, his head cocked to one side. Castiel almost flinched when he realized that the man he'd been kissing moments ago looked young, no more than twenty-five, much younger than Castiel. A voice in Castiel's mind warned he should leave before anything more happened, but again he was rooted to the spot as the man moved in close and leaned in, his mouth to Castiel's ear.

"I'm Dean," he said. His voice was smooth and sent shivers through Castiel's body. "Stay and watch me dance."

Castiel leaned away and stared as he nodded. Dean swayed his slim hips, yanking his grey t-shirt from out of his jeans and sliding a hand over his chest as he backed away. He reached out, took Castiel's hand in his, and led them both to the dance floor. Castiel found he watched, transfixed by the sway of Dean's body and the way he walked, confidence in each step. Castiel squashed the fear as he watched Dean swing his body to the beat of the thumping music, felt the bass vibrate through floor and body. Dean handed Castiel his beer bottle before he spun and gyrated, moving with perfect smoothness. Every part of Dean's body seemed to ripple and he turned on one heel, thrusting his hips forward with his eyes locked on Castiel.

How could something so beautiful be a sin?

The song morphed into something with heavier bass, and Dean retrieved his beer from Castiel, tilting his head back to take a long swig. Castiel watched his neck dance with each swallow, and licked his own lips. Dean set the empty bottle down on a surface behind them, and leaned in close to kiss Castiel on the lips, licking at him with his wet tongue.

"Dance with me," he said, pulling Castiel onto the edge of the dance floor without waiting for an answer. Castiel tried to pull away, to tell Dean he didn't know how, but then Dean was up against him, their bodies entwined as Dean ran fingers through Castiel's short hair. He ground his hips against Castiel, pressing the unmistakable hardness against him. Castiel's entire body felt flushed, and he stood rooted to the spot, unsure how to move. He swayed, hoping it was enough. The thrum of the bass vibrated through his body, making him harder. Dean gripped Castiel's hip, and pressed close with his mouth at Castiel's ear.

"I've never done this before," Castiel said, staring down at their bodies pressed so close together, forehead against Dean's cool cheek. He hesitated before putting one hand on Dean's hip and the other on Dean's shoulder. Starting to feel lightheaded, he moaned embarrassingly loud as Dean licked inside his mouth. The kiss was hot, long, and hungry, and Castiel was stunned when Dean pulled away.

"We should go," Dean said with a wink. He took Castiel by the hand and led him across the room, navigating through the crowd. A few other men called to Dean as they passed. Some trailed their hands across his body, but Dean shook them off. They stopped briefly at the coat check while Dean retrieved his brown leather jacket. Castiel felt relieved when the cool air of the evening hit his face as they exited the club. He followed Dean across the dark alley to a parking lot, and they got into an old black car, a make and model Castiel didn't recognize. Dean smiled at him as he started the car and pulled onto the street.

* * *

Their destination was a small three story building in a suspect area of town. Dean led Castiel up two flights of stairs to the second floor and into an apartment. Dean turned on the light, tossed his keys on a table by the front door, and removed his leather jacket to toss it onto a loveseat. He spun on his heel and held his arms up as though presenting the room to Castiel.

"Welcome to my humble little abode," Dean said with a slight bow. He fell back onto a dark sofa, sprawling casually as he seemed to wait for something.

"It's nice," Castiel said, removing his trench coat and draping it over his arm.

Dean stood and took the coat, dropping it on top of his own leather jacket as he pulled Castiel to him. Castiel lost his balance and fell into Dean, scrambling to regain some semblance of control, but Dean seemed determined to have his way and he dragged Castiel down to the sofa. Castiel settled in beside him, feeling a flush across his face as he realized that he was still hard. He shouldn't have come. He should rush from the place before it was too late, but he'd already gone too far. Their lips met in a sloppy, wet kiss, and Castiel pushed all thoughts of leaving from his mind.

"I don't even know your name," Dean said as he nudged away from Castiel and pushed off the sofa to move across the sparsely furnished room. He stopped in front of a stereo system that sat atop a black entertainment center. Dean flicked the power knob and swayed as soft music filled the room. He snapped his fingers, turning to face Castiel.

"My name is Castiel Novak," he said, as he straightened his clothes and sat up on the sofa.

"That's a weird name," Dean said, gliding across to the small kitchen and opening the refrigerator. He pulled out two beers and closed the door with his hip.

"I was named after an obscure angel," Castiel explained, accepting the offered beer. He set it down on the glass top coffee table and watched as Dean sat down, almost in Castiel's lap. He flung an arm around Castiel's shoulder and took a long drink from his own beer.

"Cool," Dean said, setting his half-finished beer down.

"I was born on a Thursday..." Castiel began to say, but lost his train of thought as Dean caressed Castiel's chest.

"You look too hot to be an angel." Their lips met and Castiel pulled Dean in close, his whole body vibrating as he touched Dean, felt his energy fill the room. Dean broke the kiss and stood as he swayed to the slow music. He removed his shirt slowly, winking at Castiel while he tossed the shirt aside and began to unbuckle his belt. Castiel's eyes went wide when Dean shimmied out of his jeans to kick them aside, and stood in nothing but his white briefs. His body glowed in the dim lighting, and he teased a nipple then fell forward to straddle Castiel. Castiel leaned back and kissed Dean hard, gripping Dean's hips tight with both hands until he was sure he'd leave bruises, but he didn't care. Dean was so hot and his lust-filled eyes begged Castiel to take what he wanted.

Castiel moaned as Dean writhed against him, their cocks rubbing together through the fabric of their clothes. He could barely keep up with Dean as he twisted in his arms and, when Dean tore at his shirt, clawing at the buttons, Castiel helped. The jacket came off, flung carelessly aside, followed closely by Castiel's white shirt. It wasn't enough. He wanted more. Castiel pulled Dean in closer, kissing him hard, pushing his tongue past eager lips. Somehow, he could feel Dean's hands everywhere, caressing, touching, and exploring Castiel's exposed skin.

Dean broke the kiss with a loud smack of his lips. He grinned down at Castiel and slid from his lap, urging Castiel's legs apart. Dean undid Castiel's pants with deft fingers, and licked across Castiel's stomach as he tugged his pants down. Castiel lifted up and allowed Dean to slide them from his body. Castiel watched as Dean tugged his boxers off and wrapped a warm hand around Castiel's hard cock. He bucked his hips when Dean swallowed him down, sucking the head of his cock.

Castiel closed his eyes and threw his head back, shoving the feeling of shame away. It felt so good and he bucked his hips, thrusting deeper into Dean's willing mouth. Dean pulled off and licked the tip. Castiel wanted to reach down and touch him, but his body tensed as his orgasm built. Dean licked his length and sucked the head again. Castiel stifled his cry at the first spasm of his orgasm. Dean stroked him and moaned around his cock, and Castiel jerked his hips again. He bit down on his bottom lip and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. Once Dean pulled off, Castiel rolled away unable to look the man in the eyes.

"That was fast," Dean said.

Castiel turned his head just enough to see Dean out of the corner of his eyes and flinched at the sight of him licking his lips. He lay still as a hand caressed his naked exposed ass.

"I'm..." he wanted to say sorry, but he couldn't. He wanted to leave, but he was too mortified to move at all.

"Hey, it's cool," drawled Dean, coaxing Castiel to turn over so that Dean could slip in beside him. He lazily touched Castiel's face and pressed his erection against Castiel's hip, rubbing against him. Castiel lay silent as Dean moaned deep in his throat. His petting grew in intensity, and Dean kissed Castiel on the cheek, rubbing the stubble there with a thumb.

"I don't usually do this," whispered Castiel. He felt his face flush when his gaze caught Dean's heavy lidded eyes. The naked lust sent shivers through Castiel.

Dean's hard cock fit snuggly in the hollow of Castiel's hip and he couldn't resist the urge to move with Dean's thrusts. Between the caresses and the thrusts, Castiel found he grew more comfortable and he reached up to touch Dean on his cheek, locking eyes with him.

"You're doing great," Dean muttered, catching Castiel's bottom lip between his teeth. He bucked at the feel of Dean's cock pulsing against his warm skin. Dean bit down harder, and his hips jerked and he gripped Castiel's shoulder with one hand. He buried his face against Castiel's neck, snapping his hips repeatedly. Castiel felt come splash against his skin, and moaned when Dean licked him across the throat.

* * *

Castiel avoided looking into the mirror in front of him, and his fingers trembled as he buttoned up his shirt, stopping at his collar, acutely aware of what was missing. He sat down to put his shoes on, barely remembering removing them earlier in the evening as his mind swam with what had just happened. He stood and checked all his pockets, taking care that he still had his cell phone, and wallet. His fingers shook again when they brushed against the stiff vestigial tab he'd tucked away earlier that evening.

"Checking to make sure I didn't rob you?" Dean asked.

Castiel spun around to find Dean standing behind him. He wore nothing but a pair of loose-fitted jeans that rode low on his hips. Castiel looked away, shaking his head.

"No, I just..." Castiel said, bowing his head in shame. He flinched when Dean slipped an arm around his shoulder.

"I was just kidding," Dean muttered.

Castiel slipped out of his grip and moved to the door. "I...I need to go," he said without a glance back. He rushed from the apartment, closing the door behind him. He felt relieved when Dean didn't try to follow him and, as he rushed down the steps to the front exit, Castiel pulled out his cell phone and dialed for a taxicab.

The ride home was almost unbearable. His mind raced with his lapse in judgment as he reached up to touch the white tab at his throat. He frowned when his cell phone started to ring. He didn't recognize the number and it was unlikely that Father Gregory would call his this late at night. He answered and placed the phone to his ear.

"Hey. You rushed out of my place so fast." It was Dean.

"How did you get this number?" Castiel asked with wide eyes.

"You gave it to me," Dean said. There was a long pause and then he spoke up again. "Okay, maybe you didn't exactly give it to me, but I would have asked if you hadn't rushed off."

"You shouldn't call me again," Castiel said and pressed end. Against his better judgment, he saved the number.

Castiel cleared his throat, feeling self-conscious as the driver pulled up to the address Castiel had given him. Castiel paid the driver and rushed from the cab. He didn't stop until he was safely behind the locked door of his small apartment. He tore at his clothes, rushing to get to the bathroom. As he stripped naked, Castiel turned the shower on as hot as he could and stepped under the relentless spray. He gasped for breath as his mind flashed back to his wanton lustful actions. Staying under the scalding hot shower until the water ran cold. He toweled off and fell to his knees by his bed. Bowing his head over his clasped hands, he whispered the same two words repeatedly, pleading.

"Forgive me."

* * *

By the time Father Gregory finished with the baptism, Father Castiel had tried and failed to distract himself with paperwork. There was plenty to do, but his mind couldn't help wandering to Dean's words. The Winchesters had been coming to the church since he could remember and John and Mary had always been contributors to church functions, though in the past few years they had been absent. Father Castiel couldn't believe he hadn't recognized their oldest son.

The door of the office opened and Father Gregory walked in with a smile on his face.

"How did the baptism go?"

"It was a lovely ceremony," Father Gregory said. He sat down in the seat in front of the desk and folded his hands in his lap. Father Castiel knew what that meant, but he pretended he didn't notice.

"I'm glad," Father Castiel said. Shuffling a few of the papers on the desk, he added, "It seems like there's so much work to do." He tried but failed to hide his nervousness at Father Gregory's all-knowing stare.

"John and Mary wondered why you didn't at least say hello," Father Gregory said.

Father Castiel lowered his head, feeling his face flush. "You're right," Father Castiel agreed after too long a pause. He leaned back in his chair and tried to look Father Gregory in the eyes. "I should call and apologize."

Father Gregory waved a dismissive hand. "No need," he said. "I'm sure they understand. I'm more concerned about you." Father Gregory eyed Father Castiel. "I can see that there is something troubling you. I'll cut to the chase and save some time. I know you're going to say that there's nothing wrong, but whatever it is, just know that I'm here for you." He held a hand up to stop Father Castiel from the response he was about to make. "I've seen it for weeks now, if not months. Now, are you going to deny that something has been on your mind? You're not yourself these days and you never would have ignored parishioners in the past, especially not those as loyal as the Winchester family."

Father Castiel took a deep breath and hung his head. His heart filled with shame at the words, and the mention of Dean's parents.

"I'm evil," Father Castiel muttered.

"What?" Father Gregory leaned forward in his seat. "Did you just call yourself evil?"

Father Castiel looked up to find an expression of incredulity on Father Gregory's face. Father Gregory took a deep breath and leaned back in his seat, lost in thought.

"I've sinned," Father Castiel said. He folded his hands in prayer and placed them in his lap.

"We've all sinned," Father Gregory said. "You wouldn't be human if you didn't."

Father Castiel wanted to say more, but he couldn't. The words stayed trapped in his throat, and the thought of how his friend and colleague would react terrified him. He sat with his head lowered in shame.

"I'm no angel, despite my name," Father Castiel said.

Father Gregory held his hand up again to stop Father Castiel.

"I know that you've been struggling with your faith and your identity. Always remember that God loves you." He leaned forward and touched Father Castiel's hand, pulling it across the desk. "He made you the way you are for a reason. I won't push and I won't force you to give up your secrets, but I am here for you," and at these words he looked to the ceiling. "Most important, He is here for you. Don't forget that." He gave one last squeeze to Father Castiel's hand before letting him go, to lean back in his chair and release a long breath.

After a few moments of silence, Father Gregory stood up and left Father Castiel to his work, and his thoughts.

Father Castiel clasped his hands together and lowered his head. If only it were that simple. His cell phone rang and he stared down at the digital display that flashed Dean's number. There was no turning back now. Father Castiel took a deep breath as he answered the call and placed the phone to his ear.

"Hello, Dean."

End


End file.
